The original intended purpose of Sirius Eye derived from something I
am not supposed to feel ashamed of, but do. It is from a liquid lipstick
shade by LaSplash called, Sirius (now called Deadly Nightshade I believe due to avoiding copyright infringement issues). I thought nothing of the name but
more of the appearance of this seemingly deep navy blue lip. As with
most of my try-ons, I took a selfie with it (not one above). I felt as
fierce and subtle (how? I just did B] ) as my blossoming self back in
high school senior year. I thought to myself, “Wuuuuht, this is ME” I
proverbially waved at my once curious, thoughtful, contented teenaged
self, wanted to have a conversation with her like Garnet, and labor to
bridge the gap I had somehow left so so sooo long ago.
I am nervous as hell typing and writing under this blog. I’ve hesitated to think up a wonderful follow up post. I am not ashamed of that though *disappointed side eye to self*, because I’ve always been like that (flawed perfectionist), at least the woman I thought I was back then. I’m not too far along from that wide-eyed innocent, seemingly bright girl, but life… became life, life unfolded in such arrays and I disappointed her severely. It feels like eons ago.
I want to talk about what I might to do this page, because I don’t want to know, I don’t want the reader nor I to know. I want it to grow with you reading me as I grow with myself and my inescapable surroundings. Like the life of a vine crawling up a beanstalk to whoknowswhereland.
I know I’m sounding way more “ethereal” than I should, but who cares. I want to explore myself again (like a never-ending story) and I hope this works. I am not sure if I am doing the right thing “going back” then progressing, or if I was always supposed to do this, orrr if any of this will even be anything worth anyone else’s time like I think it is.
So, let’s get back to why I am ashamed. It’s all over conscious tumblr - my own internalized misogyny. That a woman enjoying/wearing makeup was lesser than the rest us. I feel terribly uncomfortable at times when I do have a full faced/or subtle just-concealer look. That someone would sneer or whisper on how uneducated I might be, how vain I am, that I might be promiscuous, or silly, or… it goes on so far down that shit rabbit hole I never signed up for. I am even more ashamed of ever having internalized that in my life. I am working out of that as efficiently and effectively as I can. So I wore it with pride out on a banquet this month. I received confused stares, it’s cool. You know the old overused adage, people hate/fear what they don’t understand.
The shade is named after the brightest star in our naked view of the cosmos (I think to fact check this), Sirius. The project that alerted me to my “eye” on detail was my report on Athena, the wise Greek mythological (?) goddess, also referred or translated as “the bright-eyed.” Do you, maybe, see a connection? Might be obvious, or not, idk!
I was smitten with her, the color, my love for the cosmos, and wisdom (something I feel is unattainable, too overly desired by me perhaps). I know it may sound so damn cheesy but it sort of encompasses my love for contemplation, for life, for the stars, and everything else I can’t seem to remember to mention and why this post seems to be dragging.
I also know I sound very doubtful in most of my speech (trust me, I am not that way in person, no one would hire me if that’s the case, and integrity in workplaces is very very essential, but then there’s capitalism and let’s not sway that far for now). And sometimes, I find strength in something so out of whack? if you will, I honestly don’t know why (figures huh).
Most of my actual following posts will probably involve, to simply put, reviews of restaurants, cosmetic items, lip swatches for someone of my olive complexion and pigmented lips that always seem to distort what the color actually looks like intended for a fairer person, certain experiences, quick or thought-out reflections, and maybe posts about life (idk probably not) with selfies or my sad attempt to be an artsy “photographer”, etc. etc. etc. etccc. A lot of this will still be a reflection of my self, at least in that moment in time or longer considering my devotion to what is discussed.
Again, I have no idea where this may or may not take me but I am excited to feel where it might. That’s right, the possibility that it so weakly might succeed (in my terms, not so much monetary), fuels me. I’m going to hit post with one eye shut maybe kinda twitching and a twisted pout. (Thank you, nonexistent reader).
